Rafael Meavitali

Archive for May, 2010

Granny Scammed

posted by easmgr in Uncategorized

I used to work in the local corner shop. I say “used to”, but actually it feels like another life-time. In that life-time I had pipe-cleaner arms (incapable of lugging about the heating oil out the back) and spikey hair like Sonic The Hedgehog. My appalling ability to add and subtract correctly is about the only thing that has stayed the same.

Confidence wasn’t something that came easy to me back then, and the queues that used to form – sometimes numbering as many as twenty hostile grannies in a line that snaked well out of the shop – didn’t exactly help. The number one thing I was terrified of wasn’t the grannies themselves (and it was always grannies, never old men), but what happened when the till broke down and I had to do all the adding up MYSELF.

When this happened, I became frozen with fear, and nothing my maths teacher had attempted to teach me would surface. Then, on top of that, you had the times when the grannies would say “how about I just give you the five pence, and you give me the six and the eight back?” Usually I wouldn’t be able to work out what the hell they were on about, and so I would just let them take the correct change out of my hand.

After a while I noticed that the till didn’t add up, and my manager was increasingly irritated for apparently good reason. That was when I knew it: I had been granny-scammed!

After that I always brought a calculator in. No way were them grannies messing with me another second!

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Bestest Memories

posted by easmgr in Uncategorized

Some of my bestest memories of childhood (bestest was a word that I liked to use a lot) are of things that I no longer even think about. It seems strange they don’t even cross my mind anymore, when as young-uns, we used to spend whole summers doing all that fun stuff. Swinging on swings and booting other children with your feet, burning slugs alive with a magnifying glass. Ah, blissful memories of all the great things that we now know are a lot of fun, but just as wrong as chin implants. Still, they were fun though. Though please don’t attempt to murder a slug because of me.

I was walking through the park the other day when I passed some swings that were begging to be ridden. I looked about me for other adults who might possibly judge me to be a complete idiot, then I threw caution to the wind and ran over like a giddy child. Then the fun started, wondrous and taking me right back to how things used to be. Back in the days before alcohol, women, responsibilities and love. How it was good to go back to that time and just have nothing else to think about. Until I started getting really high–

It was then that I realized that I didn’t know what to do–had I really jumped off at this height? Me, as a small child? It seemed impossible and dumb, and then it happened–I chucked myself off.

And landed in a heap of sore old man body and miserable regret.

But it was fun. I plan to do it a lot more from now on.

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