Rafael Meavitali

I Am A Slave

I admit it: I am a slave to microwave food. It is as vital to the world as Tattoo removal is to people who get drunk and have I LOVE YOU! scrawled across their forehead. I love it (microwave food that is, not forehead tattoos). It is excellent, quick, and almost as good as the real thing. Curries, puddings, eggs, all of it. But there is one thing that should never, ever be cooked in the microwave. Yes, you all know what I’m talking about, don’t play dumb: I am talking about the crime that is cooking bacon without the aid of oil and a pan!

It’s disgusting, it really is. More than that! It’s despicable! OK, so the bacon may look edible when cooked inside the microwave, and it may smell like any other kind of bacon to the bacon-novice, but it is not the same. It is limp, a funny pink colour, and not of this world. Powerful a tool as the microwave is, it cannot compete with the humble yet magnificent frying-pan. And it needn’t bother either. The battle was fought and won the moment microwaves came on to the market.

It’s serious business, this. It should not be treated as a joke!

The main reason why cooking bacon in a pan is advantageous, of course, is simply this: you can cook it until it is wonderfully crispy–You can cook it until it is the most delicious and excellent food on earth. But what do you get from the microwave? Little is the answer! It resents crispy bacon. It resents everything which does not utilize new-fangled microwave energy!

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The Ruiners

Fruit: we all love it; well, almost everyone except really stupid people who complain they are fat and they have no idea how it happened. Fruit is awesome, I mean, what’s not to like about fruit? It’s soft, healthy and pretty great considering it evolved out of carbon and gas. But ask yourself, have you ever met anyone who liked to eat spoiled fruit? I am yet to meet anyone who does. So why, then, is it that you go to the supermarket and turn orange after orange over, only to discover they have been dropped? And not just dropped. A lot of them look like they’ve been bulking up Mike Tyson’s punch-bag.

A few months ago, sick of finding soiled fruit, I decided to take a stand against one of these culprits. It was very simple. All I had to do was wait near the fruit and pretend I wasn’t paying the fruit the slightest bit of attention. Sure enough, after half an hour of patient waiting, I found my culprit and prepared to pick some bones–

The second orange fell with an audible bang. The bang, as a fruit lover can empathize with, was the sound of the orange dying instant death. I watched it roll across the floor, and resisted the urge to pick it up and rub it better. Instead I followed the culprit—a bearded old man who should have known better—and waited for him to leave his trolley. Then I exacted revenge. This consisted of me bashing all his fruit nice and hard, thus ruining it. The best part? I turned them over so he wouldn’t notice! He’d only have discovered something was wrong after he got them in to the house. And how I would have LOVED to see his big annoying culprit face-

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Bright Side!

Be happy! Think positive! Look on the bright side! It’s not as bad as all that! These are all things which work well when you’re having a bad day at the office, but have a negative effect in times of great stress that look set to have a dubious outcome.

Take what happened to me when I used to work on a farm. I was operating some heavy machinery when I got my leg stuck in a machine (a fold in my jeans had been sucked in; my calf was heading towards an extremely dangerous piece of spinning metal equipment).

I tried not to panic, which, as anyone who has been in such a situation knows, is quite hard when staring certain loss of limb in the face. Somehow I managed to reach the emergency button, and the machinery stopped. But by that time my leg had been clamped and squashed in the machine. It wasn’t particularly painful, but I could feel warm blood running down my leg.

When the ambulance arrived I was relieved. But if I’d have known what was to come I might have not bothered pushing the button after all: I was that annoyed.

One paramedic was older and suffering from the evilest stages of hair loss — he kept his mouth shut. The other was younger and kept saying things like “we’ll have you out of there in a jiffy!” and “Ouch, that must be painful, but don’t worry, it could be worse!” When I asked “How could it?” he pointed to his head and winced.

So if you’re a paramedic then here’s some advice. If you find someone with their leg trapped in a machine then be kind, but be realistic. It’s what someone who is about to lose a chunk of their leg would rather hear.

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Chocie

Chocolate: the thing that the whole world revolves around. It’s not money, it’s Dairy Milk, Yorkie, and Milk Tray. It is 75% dark chocolate from the very best producers that powers the thoughts and minds of our generation. Do not be under any illusions people: of you removed chocolate from the shelves tomorrow—that is to say that if a chocolate apocalypse took place—then the world and everything in it would come crashing to a halt. Life as we know it would cease to exist. Think Global Warming is an issue? It’s NOTHING to the thought of all the cocoa beans in the world suddenly vanishing. If that happened there is no doubt in my mind that the effect would be so huge as to stop the world from turning–

So you could say that I am a serious fan of chocolate.

Debates over the best kind of chocolate are, rather than politics, news, economy etc, easily the most talked about things. I was recently on the bus when a debate started at the front, a furious and serious one concerning the rise of the Wispa. I felt that I had to interject with my own thoughts and opinions. I just couldn’t help myself, had to get involved.

My intrusion in to the debate—nice and sharp, so as not to give the two old women to try and fend me off—went as planned: first of all they looked at one another as if I had just asked if I could suck on their eyeballs, and then they began talking at me as if I was deaf, asking what business the rise of the Wispa was to me. I had a come-back prepared, of course: all I needed to do to shut them up was bequeath forward the history of the Wispa, starting with its origins and moving swiftly through the trials and tribulations, up until the present day.

Listen up all of you, I have important news about the val disere chalet bookings for our New Years trip next year. Saturday is the last chance for the overall cost, please get it to me as soon as you can, or you will not, I repeat NOT, be coming!

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The American Office

During my stay in Canada, I was graced with many new television shows. There were some good ones and some terrible ones. King of Queens was a half decent comedy, although without Kevin James, there is really no-one else to create the comedy. Mantracker was possibly my favourite show because of my love for the outdoors and the beautiful landscapes of Canada.

However, one show caught my eye more than the others and that was ’The Office'I am not sure how many Americans, or Canadians know this, but ’The Office'starring Steve Carell, is a copy of an English show which goes by the same name. Created by Ricky Gervais in 2000, the English version gained critical acclaim quickly and went on to become one of the most loved and most successful British comedies of all time. Gervais and co-creator Stephen Merchant have actually written a couple of the American Office episodes themselves.

Whilst the American version is funny, Dwight being one of the funniest characters of all time, I cant help but draw comparisons. Especially when some of the episodes are copied almost word for word from the British version. Also, the comedy in the British version is much more subtle, and bases itself around the embarasment the manager causes and the ensuing awkwardness. The American version does have this, but the comedy is also far more obvious. This is no bad thing however, the latter has produced some great moments.

The one thing I just can’t get over is why the American TV companies felt that they needed to create their own version. Why not just play the British version? It seems to be the American way to take a successful idea and create an American version of it. They do seem to have a lack of creativity about them and it can be quite frustrating to watch from afar. The American Office is funny, and successful, but it is, essentially, a rip-off.

Ski chalets booking looked after everybody, I am looking forward to our annual trip. Next monday is the last chance for the overall cost, please get it to me as soon as you can get it together.

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In Difficult Times Think Positive

Times are difficult right now as the world goes through one of the biggest depression ever seen. Many people are losing their jobs, homes, and their optimism for the future. When times are good and everything, or at least most things, is going well we do not find it difficult to be positive and engage in positive thinking. As things begin to unfold it become even harder to do. But you must ask yourself what else is there but to engage in positive thinking. If nothing else it will sure prevent us from going crazy.

Always keep in mind that where you are now is not a reflection of where you might be in the future. So just because it seems as I it’s all doom and gloom now does not mean it will not be bright and sunny later. There is always a way to the life or goal you want to achieve. You will require a new way of thinking about your present situation, and learning or improving on existing skills. Here are some tips to help you think positively.

• Develop and show to the world and yourself a positive mental and emotional attitude especially when it concerns you.
• Stop any negative inner conversation as these only wastes your energy and time.
• Never allow disappointments and challenges to have an effect on your state of mind and moods.
• Fight against any form of negative thinking. One technique is when a negative thought occurs immediately replace it with a positive. You can also trying doing an activity that will cause you not to dwell on the negative thought.
• Never allow the thoughts and words of others affect you and the way you think and feel.
• Place yourself around people who are positive in their approach to life. Stay away from negative people as they can drain your energy and joy.
• Tell yourself positive things and do the same for others.
• Change the way you do things especially if the old ways yielded negative results.

It is very important to stay positive and have an attitude of expecting the great things to happen. Positive thinking consistently done will always yield positive effects on your life.

One last thing before I run, my slightly quirky boss is on this new fixation about a day of corporate team building london. Seemingly in a couple of weeks time I will be growing permanent work based partnerships with all of the people that I go to the office with. Wish me luck everyone (at least I get a expenses paid trip)!

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Time For Tea

So many people drink Tea whenever. The mind really does boggle as to where the logic for this utter downright stupidity comes from. Don’t tell me they don’t know any better, where have they been living? Fifteen-hundred-feet undergorund? I mean, I can understand it first thing, or even at lunch, but really, can’t you wait to get home? Why must you tarnish the reputation of Tea by drinking it willy-nilly on the street?

Education is the problem, of course. That’s the root of it. Which is why I have prepared various scenarios below where a cup of finest Tea is absolutely suitable. Drink tea at these times and your life will feel so much better (even if it’s crap).

A) Tea first thing. Do this when you have enough time to appreciate it without having to rush. Rushing is good for nothing.

B) Tea at Mid-day: find a quiet corner and sit down with a cuppa. And don’t even think about listening to music while tea-drinking. Why? It’s obvious. The tea will sense these vibrations and feel like it’s being neglected. As a direct result the flavour won’t be as good as it can be, and you deserve it!

C) Tea late at night: despite being a terrible idea—because the caffeine, as I know, can make you wake with a cold-sweat in the middle of the night in the grip of a terrifying nightmare whereby wild horses with tea-bag shaped eyes rip you to pieces—it can be the most pleasurable thing in the world. Aside from a darn good walk, of course. Something that’s perfect after a fine cup of late night tea.

D) Tea with Grandparents: nothing is quite as worthy as this escapade. And it is an escapade. Whenever I go and have tea with my Grandparents they tell me all about the good-old days. Heritage people! That’s what I’m talking about!

Chalet val thorens booking sorted out everyone, I am really excited about our long weekend trip. I need part of the downpayment by this Friday.

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Employment Wonder

Ever had a really useless manager? I mean useless. Everyone has, and it doesn’t matter how bad your manager / boss was, there will always be someone who has / had a worse manager than you. My first manager, for example, who I will call ‘Mick’—and yes, I do mean YOU from Middlesex, so there!—was a down-right waste of time. He used spray-on hair (shipped in especially from America) and hated the fact that I used language against him. It wasn’t hard, of course, seeing as ‘Mick’ was about as adept at utilizing the intricacies of language as he was at determining a quality hair-care product from a total shambles and outright mockery. But to finally get to the point, not every manager is troublesome–that would be a gross exaggeration. In fact, it’s sad how many good ones there are out there who are completely awesome. That goes for bosses too: Enigin have decent bosses who really do care—and this encourages the employees at the firm to go above and beyond what is asked of them, and on a regular basis. And at the following link you can even read the writings of a Managing Director who has a great attitude to employment and Climate Change.

You are reading correctly. I said M.D. Yes, as in right at the top. Isn’t that good? A real manager at the top giving you his views. Nice one, I say. Hopefully ‘Mick’ might take some notice and adjust his principles accordingly.

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